


Shakespeare Writes "Crittendon's Commandos"

by San Antonio Rose (ramblin_rosie)



Category: Hogan's Heroes (TV 1965)
Genre: Awards: The Papa Bear Awards, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on LiveJournal, Gen, Shakespearean Language, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:41:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27586246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramblin_rosie/pseuds/San%20Antonio%20Rose
Summary: Attend the tale, ye gentles; ye shall hearAnon of a most comical attemptExchange of martial leaders, wounded sore,To force 'twixt Germany and England, andThough failing, yet the end and aim achieveOur Hogan and his Heroes through mischief.(Inspired by "Shakespeare Writes 'The Crittendon Plan'" by OboeCrazy; won 3 Papa Bear Awards, including Best Story of 2017 [tie]!)





	Shakespeare Writes "Crittendon's Commandos"

_In Memory of Bernard Fox  
Inspired by [“Shakespeare Writes ‘The Crittendon Plan’”](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/952422/1/Shakespeare-Writes-The-Crittendon-Plan) by OboeCrazy  
With apologies to the Bard and to Bill Davenport_

**SHAKESPEARE WRITES  
“CRITTENDON’S COMMANDOS”**  


DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  
**Col. Robert Hogan, United States Army Air Force** , commander of Hogan’s Heroes  
 **Sgt. James “Kinch” Kinchloe, United States Army Air Force** -\  
 **Sgt. Andrew Carter, United States Army Air Force** – – – – – – | Hogan’s  
 **Cpl. Peter Newkirk, Royal Air Force** – – – – – – – – – – – – – – | Heroes  
 **Cpl. Louis LeBeau, Armee l’Air** – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -/  
 **Sgt. Baker, United States Army Air Force** , another radio man  
 **Col. Wilhelm Klink, Luftwaffe** , commandant of Stalag Luft XIII  
 **Sgt. Hans Schultz, Luftwaffe** , sergeant of the guard  
 **Col. Rodney Crittendon, Royal Air Force** , commander of Crittendon’s Commandos  
 **Tobin, British Commandos  
Digby, British Commandos  
Four other commandos  
Guards outside the hospital  
Sundry doctors, patients, and nurses at the hospital  
Other prisoners of war**

* * *

**PROLOGUE**

Upon the global stage in combat fierce,  
Two mighty bands of nations do contest  
The right of tyrants boldly to impose  
Their evil will on those of lesser strength,  
On neighbour hapless or on scapegoat poor.  
Thus trammelled in the thirteenth prison camp  
For soldiers of the air that captured be  
In _Germany_ , where Adolf Hitler’s rule  
Unto the German people proves the bane,  
Beneath the nose of Col. Wilhelm Klink,  
Commander of the camp in name alone;  
Assisted now and then by Sgt. Schultz,  
Who’d liefer nothing know and nothing see  
Than risk his life on Russia’s icy bourn,  
A hardy band of men assembled stands:  
To HOGAN’S HEROES kindly lend your hands.

See first the gallant Hogan, colonel bold,  
Who leads his men in merry escapades  
To aid their comrades Germany to ’scape  
And sabotage their enemies so well  
That any scheme they counter’s sure to fail.  
Next Kinchloe, Moorish sergeant, far the best  
At radios and wiretaps; what’s more,  
An athlete peerless, and his wits  
So keen as to perceive in the designs  
Of Hogan all immediate fatal flaws.  
Young Carter, sergeant also, seeming mild,  
Yet alchemist of such outstanding skill  
Explosives can he make and place at will.  
These three the New World’s portion here present.  
Now Newkirk doth St. George’s Cross uphold,  
A corporal and a thief, but as needs must,  
For spying all his talent gladly bends  
To save his best-loved England from rapine.  
Last, smallest, yet in courage not the least,  
LeBeau with _tricolore_ upon his breast,  
For France doth sing and dance and cook and spy.

Now gathered is our heroes’ company.  
Attend the tale, ye gentles; ye shall hear  
Anon of a most comical attempt  
Exchange of martial leaders, wounded sore,  
To force ’twixt Germany and England, and  
Though failing, yet the end and aim achieve  
Our Hogan and his Heroes through mischief. 

* * *

**ACT I**

**_Scene 1:_  
** In the subterranean radio room, early one morning. Baker minds the radio, but as all is quiet, he attempts to learn to knit. Enter Kinch stage left from the ladder leading up to Barracks 2. 

KINCH  
How now, young Baker? What’s the news, my friend?

BAKER  
Dead quiet, Kinch. My mind is occupied  
With but the tangled web one weaves in wool  
With “knit, knit, purl”—or is it “purl, purl, knit”?  
I fear I’ve much to practice ere my hands  
A decent woollen waistcoat can achieve  
To keep this German winter from my chest.

_He displays his messy handiwork. Kinch laughs, but not unkindly._

KINCH  
Give o’er the work, then, ’til the morning light.  
This tunnel’s not the place for worsted ware,  
So dark and damp it is, and there’s no fear  
That Klink in knitting secrets might discern.  
And Carter knits; perchance to-morrow he  
And thou in conference close might ascertain  
What hinders thine attempt at waistcoating.  
My watch comes hardly on; give me thy place,  
And rest thee well ’til Reveille doth come.

BAKER  
For this relief, much thanks. Give thee good morn.

_Just as Baker stands to leave, the radio begins to beep._

KINCH  
’Tis London. Ere to rest thou goest, friend,  
Tell Col. Hogan word doth come for him.

BAKER  
The others, too?

KINCH  
Aye, marry, an thou wilt.

BAKER  
I shall. My thanks again. Give thee good morn.

KINCH  
And thee.

_Exit Baker stage left, up the ladder. Kinch sits down at the radio and picks up the headphones._

KINCH  
Now, London, what’s the news from you?

_He taps the “Go ahead” on the telegraph key, listens, and begins to write. Meanwhile, enter Hogan, Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau stage left, filing down the ladder; Baker follows but passes behind them to a different ladder leading to his own barracks. Hogan goes to read over Kinch’s shoulder; the other men range themselves in front of the radio desk to wait for instructions._

HOGAN  
What have we here, then? “Six commandos bold  
Shall e’en this night at Sector A11  
Be dropped by parachute. Go ye tonight  
And bring these men unto Stalag XIII.”

CARTER  
Sounds easy thus far.

LEBEAU  
Insulting, rather say!  
Thus of a sudden must we imitate  
The actions of a lowly hansom cab!

CARTER  
At least our colour yellow cannot be.  
—“A cab belike, but not a yellow one!”  
That have I simply said, and wordplay none  
Had I intended, yet a pun it was!  
Haha, how funny!

HOGAN  
’Twasn’t, Carter. Peace.  
Hold, hold—there’s more. These men we aid tonight,  
Their mission is to capture and return  
To England with… what, Rommel?! Surely not!

NEWKIRK  
Rommel?!

LEBEAU  
_Field Marshal_ Erwin Rommel?

NEWKIRK  
The Desert Fox?

LEBEAU  
The Terror of Tobruk?

CARTER  
The Galloping Ghost?

KINCH  
That was Red Grange.

HOGAN  
“By strafing fighter Rommel wounded was.  
Near Hammelburg in privy hospital  
He now rests to recover of his wounds.”

LEBEAU  
Our British friends have quite the job in hand.

KINCH  
And so do we. SS platoons the woods  
With martial stride do compass and patrol.  
How shall we six commandos hale  
Past them unto our tunnels’ shelter here?

HOGAN  
Let’s search out A11 on our map.

_They adjourn to the map table; Hogan measures the distances._

HOGAN  
From Hammelburg two miles lies that point,  
And twelve from this our happy home-from-home.

NEWKIRK  
Aye, so it is, and great the space between,  
Where SS men could lay their ambuscade.  
As soon as British aeroplane they hear,  
Alert they’ll be, and greatest danger pose.

KINCH  
Good chance there also is that German eyes  
The parachutes will spy and sound alarm.

NEWKIRK  
And then the race shall be who picks up whom.

LEBEAU  
Now hansom cab I wish we were indeed,  
With horses swifter than the winter wind.

CARTER  
But never yellow should its colour be.—  
“Oh, Carter, hold thy peace.” I know; I shall.

HOGAN  
’Tis clear that all roads hence shall be at once  
Blockaded by the SS, but perchance  
As German guards we could their net escape  
And with our British “prisoners” return.

KINCH  
Ah, sir, I hear your message loud and clear.  
To London shall I send forthwith request  
That these commandos shall in uniform  
Be dropped to us.

HOGAN  
Exactly so, and add  
That we in German uniform shall come  
And with the cricket toy shall each make known  
To other force its own identity.

KINCH  
Sir, I shall see it done immediately.

_He returns to the radio._

LEBEAU  
Now lack we but the truck to journey thence.

HOGAN  
Ye, Carter, Newkirk, check the motor pool.  
See whether any trucks be for repair  
And for our easy use awaiting.

NEWKIRK  
Aye,  
With good will shall we, sir; but I doubt not  
One shall be there.

CARTER  
Indeed—the first we see!

NEWKIRK  
So long as coat of yellow it bears not.

CARTER  
Just so.

NEWKIRK  
Go on, go on, upstairs with thee.

_They exit stage right up a different ladder while LeBeau and Hogan remain at the map table._

* * *

_**Scene 2:** In the motor pool, Hogan’s men feign work on a truck. _

HOGAN  
All right, all right! Work faster there, ye four!  
Our genial landlord wants this truck we mend  
In working order by this afternoon.  
We shall not disappoint our Col. Klink,  
Is that not so?

_Carter rolls out from under the truck._

CARTER  
No, sir, that shall we not!  
Our commandant we seek always to please!  
And if he wants this truck repaired today,  
Why, we shall have it finished by—

HOGAN ( _quietly_ )  
Peace, peace.  
I give the orders here, Carter, recall.  
Just see that ye obey them not. I want  
This truck out of commission ’til tonight.

CARTER  
Aye, sir.

_Carter rolls back under the truck, accidentally shoving LeBeau out the other side._

LEBEAU  
Hey, what’s the big idea? Wilt thou fain  
The fool play here with me? Here’s one for thee!

_He shoves Carter back just as Klink and Schultz enter stage left. Carter accidentally rams straight into Klink’s ankle._

KLINK  
Oh, oh, my ankle! Oh!

CARTER  
Good morning, sir.

KLINK  
Oh, fie on’t, oh! So, Hogan, is this how  
Your men repair my truck?

HOGAN  
Sir, as they say,  
“All work and no play doth a dull boy make.”

KLINK  
In prison camp, a dull boy’s what we like.

SCHULTZ  
Haha! Very good, Herr Kommandant! I’m glad to see you in such an excellent humour.

KLINK  
Silence, Schultz! I’m not in excellent humour.

SCHULTZ  
_Jawohl_ , Herr Kommandant; you’re in excellent humour to be in such a nasty humour.

HOGAN  
Herr Kommandant, I know you’re here because  
You’re anxious to find out how long ’twill be  
Before this truck is back in good repair,  
And I can well assure you, sir—

KLINK  
Enough!  
This truck is meant to fetch supplies this morn.  
Why is it here instead to be repaired?  
Answer me that!

HOGAN  
_Why_ needs this truck repair?  
Well, Newkirk is our engineer; let’s ask.  
Newkirk, without too technical a tale,  
Please tell our commandant the reason why  
This truck needs our repair.

NEWKIRK  
’Tis broken, sir.

KLINK  
Oh, fie!

HOGAN  
Thank you.

NEWKIRK  
You’re very welcome, sir.

HOGAN  
A plainer answer could you not desire,  
Nor get indeed, sir.

KLINK  
Hogan, mark: this truck  
Was yet in good repair as of last night.

HOGAN  
In good repair? It could not thus have been,  
Or else it would not be so broken-down  
As here you see it now, Herr Kommandant.

KLINK  
How broken-down in fact it is I fain  
Would see. Step back. I’ll try it now.

HOGAN  
Wait, sir!  
Inasmuch as we do not yet know  
How bad the damage is, ’twould be unwise.  
To start the engine might prove dangerous.

KLINK  
Out of my way! I doubt this tale; indeed,  
No fault at all in this truck do I see.  
You and your men but use this weak excuse  
To loaf and do no work. Step back, I say!  
Schultz, get into that truck and start it now.

SCHULTZ  
_Jawohl, Herr Kommandant._

_He starts toward the truck but pauses._

SCHULTZ  
What kind of danger do you think there might be, Col. Hogan?

HOGAN  
Explosion, fire. Who knows? We have not had  
The time to find the fault.

KLINK  
Hogan, enough!  
Naught ill shall happen, Schultz. Start it at once,  
And that’s an order! Hogan, no word more!

HOGAN  
Men! To me!

_The Heroes leave the truck and stand behind Hogan, well away from any danger._

SCHULTZ  
Wait, Herr Kommandant! I think my driver’s licence has expired!

KLINK  
Schultz, stop being a coward! Nothing is going to happen! Start the engine; that’s an order!

_But he edges behind Hogan himself. The Heroes brace for an explosion._

SCHULTZ ( _nervously_ )  
_Jawohl._

_Sure enough, Schultz starts the engine, and it explodes with enough force to throw Schultz, the seat, and the steering wheel to the ground. The Heroes help him up. Exeunt._

* * *

_**Scene 3:** That night, in the woods. The repaired truck enters stage left and stops. Newkirk gets out and comes to the back, where Hogan and the other men are studying a map. All five are in German uniform. _

HOGAN  
All right, our rendezvous point is at hand.  
The men we are to meet should all be nigh,  
Within the half-mile radius we see here.  
Take thou the northeast sector, noble Kinch.  
Hast thou thy cricket?

KINCH  
Aye, sir; here it is.

_He clicks the cricket once._

HOGAN  
And what’s their signal, Newkirk?

NEWKIRK  
E’en thus,  
Four chirps at intervals ten seconds long,  
And my reply must be two chirps, no more.

HOGAN  
Then let’s to work. In forty minutes, meet  
We here again, have we success or no.

_They dismount and spread out, following a clicking sound that eventually leads them back to centre stage, where Carter stands, cracking his knuckles._

HOGAN  
Heard we all the same signal, each alike?

LEBEAU  
Yet no commandos are there to be seen.  
I could have sworn it came from this point here.

CARTER  
Here have I stood the while; no friend’s arrived.

HOGAN  
Then let us take no chances. To the truck,  
Move quick and quiet, all, lest we be found.

_They all start to move off again, but Carter cracks his knuckles once more, making the clicking sound. The others pause and turn back to him with reproachful looks._

CARTER  
’Tis an old habit of mine. Oft will I crack  
My knuckles when I’m anxious.

NEWKIRK  
So do I.  
My knuckles would I fain in thy big mouth  
Crack now, thou fool!

CARTER  
What did I do?!

HOGAN  
Naught, naught.  
But next time nerves would make thy knuckles crack,  
Bite thou thy nails instead and keep thy peace.  
Now let us go before the SS comes.

_Suddenly Hogan is grabbed about the neck by someone who puts a pistol to his head._

CRITTENDON  
Stand, ho! I warn ye, make no sudden move!  
Your leader have I here at weapon-point,  
And shall not fail to slay if need doth press!

HOGAN  
Good grief. Good evening, Col. Crittendon.

CRITTENDON  
What, what? Art Hogan? Aye, ’tis Hogan, men!  
This ghastly German garb doth allies hide!  
Rest easy while our friends I gladly greet!

_His men give no reply._

HOGAN  
Soft, soft, good Colonel. The SS is nigh.  
Let us unto our truck repair, and fast.

CRITTENDON  
My men are winded, Hogan, but fear not;  
We shall the Jerries spy ere they spot us.  
Who stands the watch here, Tobin?

_He turns to Tobin and Digby, who are leaning against each other with their eyes closed. Tobin has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth._

TOBIN  
An ye please,  
’Tis me and Digby, sir.

_Crittendon turns back to Hogan proudly._

CRITTENDON  
That’s what I like  
About young Tobin—takes the worst  
And hardest jobs himself. He’s a good lad.

HOGAN  
Those two are on watch?

CRITTENDON  
Well, so to speak.  
When nothing’s there to see, there’s naught to watch!  
But Tobin here’s a prize, old man; he’ll spot  
The enemy far off, has Airedale’s ears.  
He hears much we do not.

HOGAN  
And I believe  
He sees what we do not as well.

CRITTENDON  
What, where?  
Oho, that’s good! I had forgot thy wit,  
So sharp, a marvellous quality. Thou couldst  
Look death square in the face and laugh, eh what?

HOGAN  
No, Colonel, I could not. Now let us go.  
You said your men are tired. To the truck  
Then let us hie and so to camp at once.

CRITTENDON  
I have a much safer idea. Take  
Thou thine own men to camp in this thy truck.  
My men and I shall follow soon on foot.

HOGAN  
On foot? ’Tis ten miles hence!

CRITTENDON  
But for my lads  
A pleasant Sunday stroll! See thou, an we  
Should ride along with you, would that not be  
To put all eggs into one basket, what?

HOGAN  
No, I call the plan most practical. You said  
Your men are winded.

CRITTENDON  
Aye, and so they were.  
But give them but a scant few minutes more,  
And straining at the traces shall they be!  
Right, lads?

_The commandos growl half-hearted agreement._

CRITTENDON  
Gad, they’re a doughty bunch.  
Right, Hogan, take your men at once and go.  
We’ll meet you back in old Stalag XIII.

HOGAN  
Look, Colonel, I cannot—

CRITTENDON  
An order, man.  
Hast thou forgot my rank? For I have far  
More time in grade than thou; command is mine.

HOGAN  
We’ll none of us forget it, _sir_. Let’s go.

_Exeunt via opposite sides of the stage: the Heroes in the truck stage left; the commandos dragging along on foot after Crittendon stage right._

* * *

_**Scene 4:** In the tunnel, Hogan uses the periscope to look for any sign of Crittendon and his men. The other Heroes wait close by. _

LEBEAU  
And still no sign of them, _mon colonel_?

HOGAN  
No, looking proveth futile. Why try now?  
I should have known the whole design was doomed  
When Crittendon spoke out against me with,  
“I’ve an idea.”

KINCH  
Unto my ear, too,  
Those words disaster meant.

CARTER  
Those men of his  
Must from their wits be parted, so to go  
With Crittendon upon a ten-mile march.

NEWKIRK  
Their wits must be at home, or else  
They’d never follow him upon the plane  
To undertake this mission from the start.

KINCH  
What think you, Colonel? Ought I message send  
To London to inform them of this pass?

_A tapping noise is heard as Hogan checks his watch._

HOGAN  
Let’s wait ten minutes more. Oh, Carter, cease  
Thy knuckles so to crack!

CARTER  
I’m sorry, sir.  
—Wait, how am I to crack my knuckles thus,  
With both hands in my pockets?

HOGAN  
Wait, wait, hark.  
I hear a tapping somewhere close at hand.

CARTER  
Why, aye, indeed, it is a tapping.  
It’s as if someone were rapping,  
Gently rapping on my….

LEBEAU  
Oh, Carter, peace! We need here now no Poe!

CARTER  
Then I shall quote him nevermore.

HOGAN  
LeBeau, check thou once more what stands outside.

_Above, Crittendon is tapping on the glass of the periscope as LeBeau moves it up, down, and all around._

CRITTENDON  
Oh, Hogan! Hogan, help! Do let me in!  
Why, blast it, if this thing will not hold still,  
Nor take my voice to Hogan to alert  
That I without am hiding, I must act!  
Heave ho!

HOGAN  
Seest thou aught yet?

LEBEAU  
No, nothing—HELP!

_He is pulled off his feet as Crittendon pulls up on the periscope. Kinch helps him down while Newkirk and Carter rush to the tunnel’s emergency entrance to let Crittendon in. Exeunt stage left toward the ladder into Barracks 2._

* * *

* * *

**ACT II**

_**Scene 1:** Inside Barracks 2, Hogan, Carter, Newkirk, LeBeau and Crittendon enter stage right, up the ladder from the tunnel. LeBeau immediately brings Crittendon a cup of coffee. _

CRITTENDON  
Oh, Hogan, what a ghastly scene it was!  
Scarce had ye all your own escape made good  
Than the SS patrols you’d warned me of  
Did find my men’s position. Swift as light  
They hemmed us in, three hundred against seven.  
With rifles ready did they close with us,  
And mortars and machine guns ringed us round.

HOGAN  
’Twas wisest not to seek to fight it out.

CRITTENDON  
Trained killers are my men, lad, each and all,  
A battle engine each more than a man.  
No quarter do they ask, nor do they give;  
Surrender’s not in their vocabulary.

LEBEAU  
There’s many a nasty argument thus to have.

CRITTENDON  
But ’tis in mine; I said it, and full meant.  
And the look upon the face of my command  
Shall haunt me justly to my dying day.  
I failed them, Hogan. Yes, I failed them all.

HOGAN  
You saved the lives of all your men thus, sir.

CRITTENDON  
Oh, call me no more “Colonel,” Hogan, please.  
I’ve brought disgrace upon this uniform.  
A vital mission have I thusly spoiled  
Because mine own will only would I heed  
And not the wisdom of thy council that  
I now in hindsight see with clarity.

HOGAN  
Sir, driving back, I ’gan to realize  
That your plan was the better one indeed.

NEWKIRK  
Th’ilke thought had I myself, sir.

LEBEAU  
Well,  
If honesty’s the game, I nothing liked  
Of Col. Hogan’s plan e’en from the start.  
Now, Col. Crittendon, his plan made sense.  
But nothing did I say, for I am but  
A lowly corporal.

HOGAN  
Make that private now.

CRITTENDON  
Your words of cheer I humbly do accept,  
But none of them can change the fact that ye  
Returnéd here with trouble none, while I  
Had naught but trouble and got nothing done.

CARTER  
But sir, you did! Your own escape you made,  
And such a feat must wit and daring take!

LEBEAU  
How did you get away so cleanly, sir?

CRITTENDON  
Into their truck they ordered us, so I  
Hung back to let my men enter ahead.  
Thereafter did I wait ’til place be made  
For me to have a seat among the men…  
And while I waited there, the truck drove off.

HOGAN  
Saw not one of them that you still stood by?

CRITTENDON  
Well, stunned was I as well, as ye might think!  
But quickly I regained my wits and ran  
After the truck.

NEWKIRK  
Sir, no offense,  
But why’d you do a stupid thing like that?

CRITTENDON  
Why, to be with my men, of course, Newkirk!  
They need a leader’s guidance, after all.  
Who knows how ill they’ll fare without my aid?

CARTER  
Look what befell them with you!—Sir, I mean,  
Had you not thus surrendered, they’d be dead.

LEBEAU  
Your freedom serves them better far, I deem.

HOGAN  
Thanks be to God indeed the darkness hid  
Your presence from them and you left unseen.

CRITTENDON  
See me? They never missed me! Aye, the space  
I would have filled was worth far more than me.

_Enter Kinch stage right from the tunnel._

KINCH  
I’ve made contact with London, sir.

CRITTENDON  
Ah, good.  
They must be told our vital mission’s botched.

HOGAN  
Ah, hold it, Kinch.

CRITTENDON  
No, Hogan, time doth press!  
It may be just enough for them to send  
Another team to capture Rommel here.

HOGAN  
You have the mission’s details all yourself,  
Is that not so, sir?

CRITTENDON  
Why, of course, old man.  
Just outside Hammelburg the spital stands,  
And Rommel lies within Suite 101.  
Tomorrow night at midnight do I hand  
Him over to the Underground.

KINCH  
To keep?

CRITTENDON  
No, they shall bear him hence unto the coast,  
Where at the ready stands a submarine  
To take him thence to England’s merry shore.

HOGAN  
Then all you need are expert fighting men  
To take care of the guards?

CRITTENDON  
Just so, indeed,  
And they’ll be hard to come by.

NEWKIRK  
Look out, chums,  
I think that we’re about to volunteer.

HOGAN  
Come, Colonel. We need action. Let us help.

CRITTENDON  
This mission might be tricky.

CARTER  
Oh, well, heck,  
We can but try; it would be hard indeed  
To fail worse than you have, sir—no offense.

CRITTENDON  
None taken, Sergeant! Men, I thank you! But  
I think it fair to warn you that you might  
Be in for mickle danger.

LEBEAU  
Danger, pah!  
Why, danger is my middle name, perdie.

KINCH  
We’ve nothing else to do; we might as well.

CRITTENDON  
Fine lads ye are! Thy truck we’ll need, Hogan.

HOGAN  
’Tis none of mine, but I shall Father ask  
If I the keys might borrow.

CRITTENDON  
Then we’re set!

HOGAN  
Oh, just one question more: what reason leads  
Us to tomorrow night’s adventure, sir?

CRITTENDON  
Last week, you see, a German submarine  
A British ship did sink, and there on board  
Was Admiral Thomas Toddly, who’s the head  
Of naval intelligence. They captured him,  
So we’re to capture Rommel, thus to force  
A prisoner exchange with Germany.

NEWKIRK  
If we can pull it off, why, it would be  
Quite the coup.

CRITTENDON  
No ifs here, man, no ifs.  
This mission’s do or die; we must succeed.  
Now say we here no more of this affair,  
For Jerry has big ears.

HOGAN  
And bigger mouths  
Have we, I fear, but when ’tis done, ’tis done.  
Now let us sleep, men, for tomorrow’s dawn  
Shall need us at our best. To all good night,  
And pray God’s grace be with us, and His might.

* * *

_**Scene 2:** In Klink’s office. Klink sits at his desk doing paperwork. Enter Hogan stage right. _

HOGAN  
Good morning, Colonel! Glad I am—

KLINK  
You’re not!  
I am not glad, and neither will you be!

HOGAN  
Oh, sad I am your humour’s bad this morn.

KLINK  
Any morn you see me, I am in  
A humour foul.

HOGAN  
Yes, you know, ’tis true.  
I wonder why that is.

KLINK  
Why, you depress me.

HOGAN  
Depress you, sir? In morning’s happy tide?

KLINK  
Morning, afternoon, evening,  
Summer, winter, autumn, and spring,  
You depress me; you’re a scheming troublemaker.

HOGAN  
You’ve lost the rhythm, sir.

KLINK  
Oh, fie on’t, fie!

HOGAN  
And I resent such names, sir!

KLINK  
Oh, don’t try!  
Enough resentment have I for us both.  
Now, about the truck: you’ve fixed it, yes?

HOGAN  
You have my word, sir, it is fixed  
And ready for your use—well, after but  
A few minor repairs.

KLINK  
Minor repairs?  
Yesterday you worked the whole day through!

HOGAN  
On major repairs! Those must first be made  
Ere minor repairs e’er can come to light.

KLINK  
You’ll have it fixed today?

HOGAN  
I guarantee  
It positively shall be fixed today—  
Tomorrow at the latest.

KLINK  
That won’t do!  
I want it done today! Now, tell your men  
To speed it up.

HOGAN  
But mind, sir, haste makes waste.

KLINK  
No, _you_ make waste, and trouble, and eke schemes,  
But never haste.

HOGAN  
Then use your own mechanics.

KLINK  
Full well you know that my whole maintenance crew  
To bomber work has gone. I have no more.

HOGAN  
Then don’t demand so much. I think you’ll find  
The more you press my men, the less they do.

KLINK  
Who’s pressing? I’ve done naught—and so have they!

HOGAN  
Sir, I’m a reasonable man.

KLINK  
No, you are not!  
A sneaky troublemaker’s what you are!

HOGAN  
That’s _scheming_ troublemaker.

KLINK  
I forgot.  
Now, no more loafing on the job, you hear?

HOGAN  
My word I pledge, my men shall fix this truck,  
If working through the night is what it takes.

KLINK  
And I shall post a guard to see it done.

HOGAN  
A _guard?_ Oh, come now, Colonel! That’s too much!  
We’ve given you no cause to post a guard!

KLINK  
The fact you say so gives me cause enough. ( _He picks up the telephone._ )  
Fräulein Hilda! Send for Sgt. Schultz  
To stand guard over Hogan and his men  
Until the truck is fixed—and Hogan, mark:  
Tell him to take his gun! Yes, that is all.

_Klink hangs up. Exit Hogan stage right._

* * *

_**Scene 3:** At the motor pool after dark. Newkirk, Carter, and LeBeau continue to work on the truck, while Schultz stands guard. Schultz yawns, and LeBeau signals to Newkirk._

NEWKIRK  
Right, lads, we’ve worked enough for now. Let’s take  
A one-hour rest ere we do more.

LEBEAU  
Right.

CARTER  
Thanks.

SCHULTZ  
Wait a minute! Who told you to rest?

CARTER  
Why, that man there, our foreman, told us to.

SCHULTZ  
Since when do you take orders from him?

LEBEAU  
Why, since he said to take a one-hour rest.

SCHULTZ  
Keep on working, men, while _I_ take an hour rest period.

LEBEAU  
If sleep you lack, the tool room holds a cot.

SCHULTZ  
Oh, sure, “lie down in the tool room, Schultz”—while we steal the truck, huh?

LEBEAU  
Schultzie, do you think we’d steal this truck?

SCHULTZ  
No, I don’t… not while I sleep in the back of it!

_Schultz walks into the back of the truck and lies down._

NEWKIRK ( _to Carter_ )  
Right, then, ’tis time. See if thou canst start  
This truck; we’ve naught to fear from Schultzie now.

_Carter starts the truck, and Newkirk and LeBeau climb aboard. Exeunt stage right, leaving Schultz asleep on a board fastened to the loading dock._

* * *

_**Scene 4:** Outside the hospital, Carter, in German uniform, approaches a guard. _

CARTER  
Your pardon, Corporal; do you have a light?

_The corporal begins to offer his lighter, but Newkirk overpowers him from behind._

NEWKIRK  
’Tis shocking, this, so fine a German lad  
To find asleep on duty!

CARTER  
Fie for shame!

_They quickly overpower a second guard. Then Carter forgets which man is Newkirk and almost takes him down before Newkirk pushes him off. The way cleared, they open the gates stage right and signal for Hogan, LeBeau, and Crittendon to join them. The five cross to stage left, approaching the front door of the hospital, then crouch down out of sight as a nurse and another guard pass._

HOGAN  
Right, Newkirk, once we’ve made our way inside,  
Go thou into the basement; quick survey  
Of all the circuits make and cut the power.

CRITTENDON  
Belay that, Newkirk, for that task  
Shall fall to me, good Hogan.

HOGAN  
Sir,  
I’d liefer Newkirk do it. He hath skill;  
An electrician is he, by my troth.

CRITTENDON  
This job requires it not. All that’s to do  
Is pull one switch.

HOGAN  
The _right_ switch; there’s the rub.

CRITTENDON  
Precisely why I’ll do the job myself.  
I have a diagram of everything,  
The circuitry included.

HOGAN  
Give it him.

CRITTENDON  
What, dost thou think me daft? Should I retain  
On paper such a valuable map?

HOGAN  
No, no, of course you’d memorize and burn.

CRITTENDON  
Quite so.

HOGAN  
E’en as I feared.

CRITTENDON  
Come, come, fret not,  
For like camera obscura is mine eye,  
To apprehend what’s seen in full detail.  
Thereby upon the tables of my mind  
Mnemosyne with golden pen doth write,  
Ah! with so firm and so divine a stroke,  
No man can wipe away what’s thus inscribed.

NEWKIRK  
But how full stands her golden inkwell, sir?

CRITTENDON  
That diagram is in my memory locked,  
And God Himself doth keep the key of it.  
The south wall of the basement is adorned  
With metal cabinet that holds all controls.  
Three switches on this cabinet do stand:  
The leftmost triggers the escape alarm;  
The centre warns of air raids, and the right  
The main power doth control. Now follow me!  
Let us at once our mission here commence!

_Exeunt stage left, entering the hospital._

* * *

_**Scene 5:** Inside the hospital, the men enter stage left and pause, centre stage, in the hall outside a door. _

CRITTENDON  
This room’s the doctors’ lounge. But doctors all  
Upon this hour their nightly rounds do make,  
And so the room is vacant. Let’s go in.  
The light switch stands upon the right-hand wall.

_They pass through the door to stage right, and Crittendon turns on the light, revealing the room’s interior._

CARTER  
Well, I’ll be darned! It _is_ a doctor’s lounge!

CRITTENDON  
The guards upon their rounds shall pass this way  
In twenty minutes; none shall spy us now.  
Thus ample time have we for our night’s work.  
Our target lies within Suite 101—  
Down this hall, take the left-hand corridor,  
The third door on the right. I’ll go at once  
Down to the basement. After I leave,  
Let pass twenty-five seconds ere you go  
Toward your goal. Five seconds shall I wait  
To give you time to get into the hall;  
Then shall I cut the power. At this hour  
Yon Rommel ought to sleep; if he doth not,  
This sedative shall in an instant work  
To put him under. Use it an you must.

HOGAN  
Crittendon, would you not liefer let  
Newkirk unto the basement go and take  
Care of the power?

CRITTENDON  
Oh, come, Hogan, come!  
I never ask a man to do a job  
I would not do myself! And there must be  
No slip-ups. So I’m off. Godspeed ye, chaps!

_Exit Crittendon stage left, into the hall and down to the basement._

LEBEAU  
What think you, _colonel_?

CARTER  
His memory  
Seems to be working well.

HOGAN  
And so is mine.  
I’ll not forget the six who came with him.  
How stands the hall?

LEBEAU  
All clear, sir.

HOGAN  
Right, let’s go.

_They exit to the hall, but scarcely have they started toward Rommel’s suite when the air raid siren sounds._

CARTER  
What’s that alarm?

HOGAN  
Mnemosyne, it seems,  
Ran out of ink! Right, watch that door, you two!  
Come on, LeBeau! We’ll alter our disguise!

_Hogan and LeBeau duck into a closet just as people come running, confused._

NEWKIRK  
Quick, quick! Air raid! Outside, you lot, outside!  
Don’t stay calm, panic! Move along there! Move!  
Keep going, everyone, and stay outside  
Until the bombers pass! Go on, go on!

CARTER  
Keep walking, doctors! Nurses, hurry now!  
You patients, out, and no one keep your heads!

_As Hogan and LeBeau emerge in doctors’ robes, Crittendon emerges from the basement, and they bump elbows._

HOGAN  
Crittendon!

CRITTENDON  
Oh, Hogan! Blast it all!  
Fine time they picked, escape and air raid both  
At once to have! Come quickly; follow me!

HOGAN  
But Rommel’s room is this way.

CRITTENDON  
Rommel, what?  
To blazes with him! We’ve ourselves to save!

NEWKIRK  
But sir, our mission!

CRITTENDON  
Why, you insolent—  
Remind him, Hogan, who is in command!

HOGAN  
If you insist.

_He stabs Crittendon with the syringe of sedative._

CRITTENDON  
Help, ho!

_He passes out; the men bundle him onto a gurney._

HOGAN  
Now, questions, men?

NEWKIRK  
But one, sir: what are we to do with him?

HOGAN  
Bring him along.

NEWKIRK  
A pity ’tis, and yet  
Makes sense, though liefer would I leave him here.  
There’s none of _us_ will ever hold him dear.

_Hogan, Carter, and LeBeau hurry into Rommel’s room and come out with a man on a stretcher; his face is covered. They leave for the truck while Newkirk pushes Crittendon along behind them. Newkirk tries to leave Crittendon, but Hogan stops him. Exeunt._

* * *

_**Scene 6:** In Barracks 2, the Heroes and their fellow prisoners are preparing for the morning—apart from Kinch, who is still in the tunnel. Hogan enters from his office, stage left. _

HOGAN  
Aught yet from London?

CARTER  
No, sir; Kinch doth still  
Attempt to raise them on the radio.

LEBEAU  
But what a night of work we had last night!

NEWKIRK  
And what a mission! None shall e’er believe  
The tale we have to tell.

CARTER  
Why, scarce do I,  
And I was there to live it! Who’d have thought  
We’d capture Rommel—and with _Crittendon!_

_Enter Schultz through the barracks door up centre, wearing white gloves and full dress uniform._

SCHULTZ  
_Achtung, Achtung, alle raus, raus, raus!_  
In fifteen minutes must we roll call have!

_All the prisoners complain._

HOGAN  
Thou art an hour early, Schultz! For shame!

SCHULTZ  
The commandant has issued orders strict;  
He lunches with the _Feldmarschall_ today!

NEWKIRK  
What field marshal?

SCHULTZ  
Rommel—ha, who else?

CARTER  
Wait, Rommel? _The_ Rommel?

SCHULTZ  
Indeed!

LEBEAU  
But how?  
What doth he here, in Hammelburg so fair?

SCHULTZ  
By strafing fighter was he wounded sore,  
And for his wounds’ recovery he rests  
In privy hospital outside of town.  
And he would fain this camp inspect today!

HOGAN  
How sure art thou this man is Rommel?

SCHULTZ  
Sooth,  
There’s but one Desert Fox!

HOGAN  
Aye, so I feared.

_Schultz puts a newspaper on the table._

SCHULTZ  
This paper will tell all. But come, _macht schnell!_  
Outside in fifteen minutes! Mark it well! ( _Exit._ )

_As soon as Schultz is gone, the Heroes hurry to open the tunnel entrance. Exeunt._

* * *

_**Scene 7:** In the tunnel, Kinch is already on the radio when Hogan and the other Heroes walk in. _

KINCH  
Oh, Colonel, I have London reached at last.  
Stand by yet, Mama Bear; he cometh now.

NEWKIRK  
Well, chaps, I do but hope that Crittendon  
Our part doth not embellish overly.

CRITTENDON ( _on the radio_ )  
Art there still, Goldilocks?

HOGAN  
Indeed we are.  
’Tis to my notice brought that we did ship  
The wrong package with you last night. Over.

CRITTENDON  
Oh, not at all, old man! It was a prize!

HOGAN  
A prize or surprise?

CRITTENDON  
Both, of course. You see,  
Exchange we sought to make, but none we need,  
For whom should we have kidnapped in the stead  
Of Rommel but our own dear admiral!  
’Twas not the plan, you know.

HOGAN  
Oh, yes, I know.

CRITTENDON  
Amazing ’tis that ever ye should know  
That Admiral Toddly was in spital same  
As Rommel! ’Tis superb! Good show, old bean.  
Thou and thy chaps have done a splendid job.

HOGAN  
Without you, sir, we could not so have done.

CRITTENDON  
What, really? Well… there’s little I recall,  
But in the heat of battle, that can be.  
Ye were all such a help, though, I should fain  
Work with ye once again. What sayest thou, friend?

_Exit Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau._

HOGAN  
Your pardon, Mama Bear, but I do fear  
The Germans jam our signal now. Farewell!

_Hogan disconnects the radio; Kinch looks amused._

HOGAN  
Though many dangers there may be in war,  
The prisoner’s lot’s most perilous by far!

_Exeunt._


End file.
